Attitude improvement

Life is hard. It has been especially hard for me recently. I spent much of the last few years fluctuating between actively suicidal, hopelessly despairing, and merely depressed. On my worst days, I thought about killing myself. On my better days, I thought I wouldn't kill myself, but it would be okay if I died of something else.

Then, I realized that I wanted to live to dance with Connor at his wedding. It was a start, but a part of me realized that it was dangerous to put all my "yes, I want to stay on the planet" eggs in a human basket. What if Connor never gets married? What if - heaven forbid - something happens to him?

Then, one November Sunday morning, I sat weeping in church because it was All Saint's Day, when we remember and light candles for all those in our community who have died over the last year. I was thinking of a specific person and grieving her loss. I was remembering one of the things that was said at her funeral service, which was "be better because you knew her". I was remembering how deeply that statement had affected me, and wondering how I could be better. Then, Pastor Laura said, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith." (That's Hebrews 12: 1- 2, by the way.)

And suddenly it hit me: the way to "be better", to honor my friend who had died, was to LIVE. With her as one of the witnesses who surrounds me, I will run the race God has marked out for me, allowing Him and only Him to decide when the race is finished. When life is hard, I will fix my eyes on Him.

So what the heck does this have to do with the topic of this Princess blog? Well, I've found that having a mental realization that I want to live was only the first part of what I needed. Having a real, tangible goal to work toward was the next part. An awesome side effect of my particular goal is that I've discovered that daily exercise improves my mental outlook and attitude. And I love the fact that working toward my goal literally involves running with perseverance.